Category: Planets

The Curious Case of the Gigglesnort

The Inspector and Cat were seated comfortably in their recreation room, the Inspector scrolling through his air-tablet for the latest intergalactic news when a headline caught his eye. He couldn’t help but chuckle before reading it aloud to Cat.

“Cat, listen to this: ‘Local Man Killed by Pet Gigglesnort: A Tragic End to a Cosmic Comedy.’ This I’ve got to read.”

Cat, always curious about the absurdities of human life, tilted his head. “Gigglesnort? That’s the name of a beast?”

“Yes,” the Inspector said, trying to suppress his laughter. “Apparently, it’s a juvenile pet from Xanadibar, known for its lethal way of… wait for it… tickling its owner to death.”

Cat blinked in disbelief. “Tickling? You’re joking.”

“Not at all,” the Inspector replied, scrolling through the article. “It says here that the Gigglesnort uses its eight feather-like appendages to induce uncontrollable laughter in its victims. This poor chap couldn’t stop laughing and, well, he laughed himself to death.”

Cat’s eyes widened with mock horror. “A deadly tickle monster from outer space. And here I thought my abilities were unmatched.”

The Inspector continued, “It seems the owner was unaware of its unique… let’s say, ‘talent.’ The beast was a clone, and its tickling technique was a well-known defense mechanism on Xanadibar, but it was somehow overlooked during the cloning process.”

Cat snorted. “Overlooked? That’s one heck of an oversight. ‘Oh, by the way, your adorable new pet might tickle you to your demise. Enjoy bonding!'”

The Inspector laughed, then added, “And to make matters worse, the article mentions that the Gigglesnort only reveals its tickling prowess when it feels extremely bonded and happy with its owner. What a way to show affection.”

Cat, trying to contain his amusement, said, “Imagine the sales pitch: ‘The Gigglesnort, a loving companion to the very end. Literally.'”

“Indeed,” the Inspector replied, shaking his head. “I just wonder how they’re going to manage the PR fallout. ‘Clone-A-Cat and AI4U assure all potential pet owners that all other AI pets are 100% lethal-tickle free.'”

Cat chuckled, then mused, “You know, I’ve always wanted a sidekick. Do you think a Gigglesnort would consider me too robotic to tickle?”

The Inspector shot Cat a playful look. “Considering your totally unreasonable over-reaction to my completely justified kicking of you to ensure a proper reboot when necessary, I’d say you’re far too prickly for even a Gigglesnort to consider tickling you” 

As Cat tried to explain for the umpteenth time that a necessary re-boot of his system should not require the use of the Inspector’s boot up his rear end, it was clear that the universe was never short of surprises. The tale of the Gigglesnort would be one for the ages, a cosmic reminder of the importance of reading the fine print, especially when adopting an extraterrestrial creature capable of tickling you into the next dimension.

The Inspector’s Faxon Banquet Fiasco

The Inspector leaned back in his chair, a glint of mischief in his eyes, as Cat curled up beside him, already anticipating a story that would no doubt be at the expense of someone else’s dignity. “Cat, have I ever told you about the time the Earth Ambassador got arrested at a Faxon banquet for making an involuntary pass at one of the Princesses of Faxon?”

Cat perked up, his interest piqued. “No, but this sounds like a story I must hear. Do go on.”

“It was during the early days of Earth’s diplomatic missions on Zizzdum,” the Inspector began, trying to keep a straight face. “The Faxons, as you know, communicate not just through words but through their com-gland odors. Well, nobody thought to brief the Earth Ambassador on this peculiar little fact.”

Cat’s eyes widened in amusement. “Oh, this is going to be good, isn’t it?”

“Indeed,” the Inspector continued. “The Ambassador was a jovial fellow, fond of Faxon cuisine, despite its notorious effects on the human digestive system. During the banquet, he found himself seated next to Princess Fara, a notable Faxon beauty, and decided to engage in what he thought was harmless small talk.”

Cat chuckled. “Let me guess, the cuisine started to ‘speak’ for him?”

“Exactly!” the Inspector exclaimed. “Just as he was complimenting the Princess on her radiant scales, his digestive system decided to contribute to the conversation. A series of unfortunate gaseous emissions ensued, each perfectly mimicking the Faxon pheromones for ‘amorous intentions.'”

Cat was now laughing uncontrollably. “So, he essentially asked the Princess out without uttering a single word?”

“Right on the mark,” the Inspector said, shaking his head. “The Princess, mortified, signaled for the guards. The poor Ambassador, bewildered, found himself being escorted away for making an unsolicited pass at Faxon royalty, all the while protesting his innocence and blaming the bean casserole.”

“How did they resolve the misunderstanding?” Cat asked, still chuckling.

“Well, after a lengthy explanation and a crash course in Faxon pheromonal language for the Ambassador, they released him with a stern warning to avoid bean casseroles at state functions,” the Inspector said. “The incident became a crucial lesson for all Earth diplomats on Zizzdum: Always mind your manners, and more importantly, your gases.”

Cat, now lying on his back with paws in the air, just managed to say between fits of laughter, “I suppose that was one small step for man, one giant leap for diplomatic protocols.”

The Inspector nodded, a smile playing on his lips. “Indeed, Cat. Indeed. From that day on, Earth’s representatives on Zizzdum made sure to carry anti-flatulence pills to all official engagements. The Faxons, in turn, learned to appreciate the… complexity of human communication.”

As they both settled down from the laughter, the story of the Earth Ambassador’s unintended faux pas served as a reminder that, in the universe’s grand tapestry of cultures, a little understanding (and perhaps a digestive aid or two) goes a long way.

The Silurian Silkworm Affair

For years can Earth had traded with Siluria. One of a handful of alien species that successful contact had been made with during the Discovery Period of 2150-2200, the Silurians had generally been a very friendly race.

Technologically not that advanced they produced 2 things that Earth imported in large quantities, Baffleberry juice, and silk rugs. The rugs were unique because they had living silkworms in them which meant that the rugs could be grown in the home to fit in the space.

All was fine until the evil Silurian Ambassador to Earth hatched a plan to export rugs with genetically engineered silkworms. At the flick of a genetic switch, the silkworms could be turned into giant monster worms. The Ambassador planned to flood the market with such rugs and then when enough rugs of this type were on Earth, mass trigger generation of the monsters.

His evil plan to invade and terrorise the Earth in this way was uncovered and foiled by the Inspector and Cat, with the help of Joosthava X Minot, in the Silurian Silkworm Affair.

Space Travel Revolution?

For years deep space travel has been limited understandably by the speed possible from current hypersonic engines. Despite advances over the last century that have seen increases in the speeds possible to up to 100 times the speed of light, the basic nature of propulsion engines has not changed.

Now through the use of engines that ‘shift’ time as they work it is becoming possible to move large distances in space in a fraction of the time currently needed. Preliminary experiments conducted by Time-X, working with the engineering conglomerate e-Madgin, have used the first so-called ‘TimeDrive’ to propel a crewless satellite to Alpha-Centauri in a matter of a few hours.

A spokesperson for Time-X said, “Early results are very encouraging though it will be some time before we can be sure of the effects of the propulsion methodology on the human form.”

RARSP

RARSP, the Rapid Alien Response Space Patrol, was formed in around 2056 at the behest of the then President of Earth, Ronald Trump jr the 2nd. At the time the decision to form RARSP was seen as just one of Old Ron’s’ (as he was affectionately known by his cronies) crackpot ideas. It arose after the Sequestran’s had been defeated on the Moon in 2056. Ron reasoned that where there was one alien species there would be others and that Earth needed a rapid response group that could be quickly mobilised in the event of any similar threat.

The Head of EarthLand Security at the time, who knew Ron was bonkers, took the formation of RARSP as an opportunity to put the worst performers of the Sequestran war into a unit that would effectively become an unused ‘white elephant’.

Little did she know that at some point in the future, 2170 to be precise, they would be the first military group from Earth to tackle the Mud Lizards.

Mega-Mosquitoes

Whilst exploring Plasmolidium in 2170 Captain Dougal McBeckHam, who led the crew of the Explorer 237, was attacked by giant insects described at the time as mega-mosquitoes.

Part biological and part artificial, the mosquitoes were both a food source for the Mud Lizards and a weapon that the Mud Lizards could use to attack their enemies. The individual mosquitoes were fierce enough but they could also act as a collective, merging together to form a significant fighting machine.

The mega-mosquitoes were also co-incidentally, carriers of the common Plasmodium parasite found on Earth, and when the Captain was attacked he became infected with that parasite and contracted malaria as a consequence.

Much worse, was the use of the mosquitoes by the Mud Lizards to deliver a virus to Earth designed to devastate the human population. Their use of a biological weapon, at the end of the first significant space battle between Mud Lizards and Earth ships, almost succeeded. Without the intervention of Azz-Lex it would have been very likely that human life on Earth would have completely ended.

 

Explorer 237

The Explorer 237 spacecraft is well known to historians. It was the ship that went to a previously unexplored planet in the Trappist-1 star and returned with all the crew onboard dead and mutilated. The planet concerned, previously known simply as ‘11596’ had been renamed, by the crew of the Explorer to ‘Plasmolidium’.

Unbeknown to the crew at that the time of landing, Plasmolidium was inhabited by the Mud Lizards. After months of peaceful work on the planet, that included establishing a permanent physical base on the surface, the Mud Lizard’s made their presence known. Very quickly they butchered all of the Explorer’s crew who had mistakenly interpreted their initial contact as peaceful.

Not only that, the fairly advanced Mud Lizard civilisation (technologically anyway) returned the dead bodies of the crew to Earth on Explorer 237 with a declaration of war carved into their collective foreheads. This led to the first Interstellar War.

The response from Earth’s President at the time was strong and unequivocal. His rallying cry to Earth that this atrocity would not go unpunished was what people needed to hear, though he did confuse everyone a bit by subsequently issuing thoughts on ThinQueue that seemed to associate Mud Lizards with some sort of Sino-Soviet plot. He was a distant relative of a 21st Century President, so confusion possibly ran in his genes.

The Sequestrans

Humans landed and walked on the moon 6 times between 1968 and 1972. They didn’t return there until 2044 when Virgin Galaxy landed a ship with over 50 settlers who built a permanent base there. Over the next decade Virgin Galaxy raised the first space hotel – Lunar Delight – and from 2054 the moon became a meaningful and attractive holiday location.

During this period the number of semi-permanent settlers on the Moon rose to well over 5000. Until 2056 everything seemed fine. Over 10,000 inhabitants of Earth spent a minimum of one week traveling to and then exploring sites of interest on the moon.

Then in late 2056, a group of tourists disappeared without trace whilst out on a half day excursion to the Sea of Tranquility. Investigations by the local police and then the Space Patrol found no trace of the settlers or their lunar carrier. Tours were suspended for several months but eventually re-opened. In July of 2057 a distress call to Earth from the main base on the moon, Armstrong Centre, led to a battalion of space cadets heading to the moon at breakneck speed. The distress call described large sections of the Armstrong Centre disappearing into the surface of the moon.

An advance guard of the space cadets got there in under 4 hours and found no trace of the Armstrong Centre. It took over a year for Earth’s military forces to uncover an underground alien stronghold that had been built on the Moon, sometime between the late 20th Century and the time when humankind had returned to the Moon, by the ultimately named ‘Sequestrans’.

After a fairly short battle, the Seuqestrans on the moon were all destroyed. There were not many of them. As a species, they appeared to have the capability to adsorb matter into their bodies. Individually they could do this on a small scale but when they worked collectively they could adsorb large structures. This was discovered during the early skirmishes between them and the space cadets.

To this day Earth is not sure where the Sequestrans actually came from. There was no sign of any spaceship that they may have been used to land on the Moon and no records, that could be identified, of their history.

 

The Zygote Crystal

What do we know about the Zygote Crystal on Earth in the 23rd Century?. Well, first off its a crystal – there’s a clue in the name. Beyond that though, our knowledge is a bit fuzzy, to say the least.

We believe that the Zygote Crystal appeared on Earth in Jurassic times and helped the Mud Lizards, a civilisation that has since warred with Earth, escape the consequences of the Chixulub Impactor. This meteor, of course, led to the devastation of Earth at the time and the demise of the dinosaurs.

Had it not been for the intervention of the Zygote Crystal, it would also probably have been the end of the Mud Lizards. Earth folklore tells us that the Zygote Crystal has the capability to massively accelerate the evolution of a species. It somehow came into the possession of the Mud Lizards on Earth in the Jurassic period and facilitated them to develop into the dominant species of the time.

They were able to make technological advances very rapidly and built a spaceship to escape Earth before the meteor hit. They, therefore, became the first beings from Earth in space, gazillions of years before Albert the Rhesus monkey made it in 1948. Having escaped Earth, they settled on the planet Plasmolidium and the rest, as they say, is (more) history.

 

Magenta Moons Coalesce above Siluria

Astronomers from the planet Siluria, joined by colleagues from the Inter-Galactic Observatory, have been monitoring a once in a megaannum event. All 3 moons of Siluria are not only at their closest to each other but also to the surface of Siluria. In addition, one of the moons, Amaranthine, is experiencing its most violent period of green and blue phosphorus volcanic eruptions seen for hundreds of years.

The resulting visual phenomenon is enabling astronomers and physicists to observe and measure complex inter-gravitational forces only identifiable because of the close proximity of all 4 celestial bodies.

It’s not only scientists showing an interest though. Tourists are as well and Virgin Galaxy Tours have transported over 12,000 people from Earth to various observatories on and around Siluria to witness the spectacle.