Where’s my Willy?
Suddenly, something seriously scary struck me. Where was my willy? In the fastest reflex reaction since Spaceman Steve outdrew the OuterSpace Oktopuss in the Black Hole Battle for the Brown Dwarf, what a great movie that was, I clutched fearfully with both hands between my legs. I then cried out loud as I realised there was nothing there and sank to my knees holding what felt like a very very very pre-pubescent lower abdomen. Sinking to my knees was not the best thing to do in the circumstances as I was now kneeling in what was apparently my own puddle of extremely pungent pee.
As my nose screwed up in horror, the obviously bad news about my willy rattled around the limbic part of my brain, or at least I presumed it was still my brain. The emotional shock manifested itself in what can only be described as a glass shattering, almost operatic howl.
As I screamed, Cat hovered much higher than usual and moved back away from me, whiskers flared. It was unusual for him to exhibit shock but he seemed genuinely surprised by the noise I managed to emit.
“What on Planet Pzzxamix was that noise? I’ve never heard anything like it,” cried Cat, “honestly, that was enough to waken the Dead of Dardalus 14. Was it really necessary?”
I tried to speak a reply but even in the gutteral Mudlizard gibberish language I was speaking it came out quite screechily as,
“I’ve lost my willy. I’ve lost my willy. You’re a robot Cat of indeterminate sex, if indeed robots have sex, I mean ‘a sex’. You simply wouldn’t understand how vitally important a willy can be to a chap.”
At least, that’s what I heard in my head. As I say it all came out of my mouth as Mudlizard gibberish and I have no idea if there was a word in Mudlizard for willy, especially as I had no idea if Mudlizards had such items of personal equipment. If they did it certainly wasn’t obvious to me, at this point, where it might be.
Anyway Cat seemed to get what I had screeched as he responded,
“I think a penis can hardly be considered to be an essential. At least not in the 23rd Century on Earth. Ask any gynaecologist and I feel sure they would agree with me.”
To be continued……….
Learning about Mudlizard Anatomy
“Well really!!” I responded indignantly, “I’m the one in distress you know and all you can do is tell me it’s all my own fault. Even if you didn’t get me in to this mess the least you can do is get me out of it.”
“I am working on it boss. Trust me, I’m not especially happy not knowing where I am either. And as for you, well you were frankly not much fun as a human. Part Mudlizard, you’re even less fun and definitely more disgusting.”
“What do you mean by that?” I enquired, before suddenly becoming aware of the fact that I needed to pee and telling Cat so.
“I don’t care where we are or what I am. I need to pee.”
“I think you are,” Said Cat.
“Are what?” I replied, furrowing my brow as I did so.
“Peeing,” said Cat.
“What?” I said as I realised two things. One, my urge to pee had receded and two, I was standing in a puddle.
“Oh my God,” I cried, “where’s that come from?”
“Well I’m no expert,” said Cat, but I think you’ll find that the equivalent of a Mudlizard’s penis, if there is actually such a thing, is at the anterior base of its tail. And it looks to me as though you’ve just used it…….”
To be continued………
How had this Happened?
I leapt around 180 degrees. Well, leapt is probably not very accurate. I made a lumbering multi-step turn to face the other way, just in the vain hope that maybe the tail wasn’t really attached to me. To my horror though, as I turned, the tail went with me. It was mine. But how? I decided to speak again even if it came out as gibberish as I knew in my head what I was saying and clearly also, Cat could understand the gibberish. So I said or rather shouted,
“What in the shadows of Ralos is going on!!”
Cat responded, “I have no idea. I’m not sure where Ralos is to be honest so have very little chance of knowing what’s going on there.”
I glared at Cat as I responded, spitting out each word in a most elongated manner,
“I wasn’t referring to Ralos directly you artificial idiot. I meant what is going on with me. Why do I have a tail? Why am I apparently speaking fluent Mudlizard and drooling like a Tigron in a chicken coop?”
“Tigrons are vegan you human synaptic disaster. They would not wish to be anywhere near a chicken coop even if chicken coops still existed,” responded Cat.
“Don’t split hairs,” I said in an exasperated fashion,
“They wouldn’t eat hares either,” said Cat, trying to be helpful or so he claimed.
“I meant……, don’t quibble about my dribble,” I said.
“A poet now….” murmured Cast, clearly amused by my stringing quibble and dribble together.
At that I positively exploded. It was inevitable. Me, Earth’s foremost Intergalactic Tax Inspector, wanted ‘In Itemised Pieces’ by the Muzlizards, the scourge of the Universe, had somehow become part Mudlizard. It was ridciulous.
“This has to be some totally unfunny joke. This is something you’ve done isn’t it you creature from the laboratory for unfortunate experiments?” I raged at Cat, in what sounded in my ears as yet another string of the now standard incomprehensible gibberish that it appeared was all I could manage. As I raged, drool positively ‘tsunamied’ from between my lips engulfing Cat in some significant deluge of dribble. As a gentle purple spark ‘popped’ out from one of his now sodden ears, he vigorously shook himself and raged back with,
“Listen you moronic DNA defective, nucleotide base-pair short of a sensible gene sequence human,” which was followed by a deep breath and more vigorous shaking before he very loudly continued with,
“ I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN. YOU ENTERED THE COMBATDROME AGAINST MY WISE COUNSEL. YOU FELL DOWN THE HOLE. IF YOU HAD STAYED PUT WHEN I SAID TO, THIS PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED!!!”
To be continued………
Oh My God – I Do Have a Tail….
With that, Cat hovered directly ahead of me, about a metre away, before projecting reflective screens all around me. I looked at myself from all angles and was stunned to see strings of drool hanging from my mouth. Worse was to ‘dawn’ on me though. As I stared at my image I could see, emerging from above what used to be my backside , a tail. Instinctively I clenched my buttocks tightly together and to my intense horror I watched as the tail drew in, then up, before gently waving about. I just stared in the mirrors, stock still, somewhat oblivious to what was now a veritable flood of drool cascading down my front.
I tried to say ‘How?” but heard “Jroukh,” or something like that.
Cat responded, seeming to clearly understand ‘Jroukh’ and saying,
“I don’t know how exactly but you are now clearly part Mudlizard. Not only do you speak their language but you drool like they do. And, whilst you could pass off the dribbling and gibberish like sounds as simply a sudden escalation of what you do normally, the tail sticking out your rear end is, I’m afraid, much harder to normalise.”
As Cat finished talking my immobility ended as panic flowed from the relevant part of my brain through to all of the extremities of my body, including my new tail. ‘My new tail’ I screamed inside my head, ‘ MY NEW TAIL!!!!!’.
To be continued………
A Tall Tail……..
“What!! What!!” I retorted like a very grumpy parrot, “what are you going on about you blathering Jabbertwit.”
“I am not a a Jabbertwit you moronic a….” Cat failed to finish his sentence as all of a sudden he sailed through the air a good 20 metres at least, before bouncing several time like a flat stone ricocheting off the surface of a pond, before coming to a stop. This obviously unexpected ‘Cat flight’ had coincided with me turning around as sharply as I could manage, given the strange mobility problems I was having.
“What happened to you?” I said to Cat, “stop mucking around or did some mysterious force throw you across whatever space we’re in?”
By now Cat was back on all fours and approaching slowly. In a voice bristling with indignation he said,
“I was not kicked by any mysterious force. There is no mystery here. Your blasted tail imparted the force that sent me flying. You’re going to have to learn to control that thing whilst I work out what’s going on.”
“Huh? What do you mean tail you, you, you…. “ I struggled for a sufficiently abusive term to use to describe Cat finally settling on ending my sentence rather lamely with,
“That’s a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, if you don’t mind me saying,” said Cat.
“What are you on about?” I yelled.
“Well,” said Cat, “I know I have a tail but I’m a Cat. I’m supposed to have a tail. Humans are not supposed to have a tail. So I suggest that before you start calling me a ‘creature’ you take a good look back behind you and listen carefully to what’s coming out of your mouth.”
At that I froze, which wasn’t too difficult given the lumbering nature of my current movements. I looked over my right shoulder and forced my eyes downward as far as I could. I could see a metre or so of a slightly glistening and quite thick tail. It had a sharply pointed end. I then turned around clockwise as quickly as I could, which basically required about 7 steps sideways with my right foot, whilst my left foot followed with small forward stepping movements. As I looked behind and down once having completed the turn, I realised that the tail was still there, behind me. I blinked slowly and then Cat said,
“Looks to me like you’re getting it. Let me help the dawn spread further though across that barren desert that makes up your brain.”
To be continued……..