Well I’m not Backing Down
The tail-less Mudlizard crouched a little in front of me, looking quite menacing and for all the world as though it was going to attack. I knew what Mudlizard’s could do with their tongues. I’d watched the aircast of the murder of Captain McBeckham and his crew on the Mudlizard’s homes planet, Plasmolidium. His advance patrol had stood absolutely no chance with tongues that could literally extend over 100 meters and garrot a human neck in seconds.
I waved my tail about, flinging it left then right around the front of my body, doing my own strutting predatory pacing. Cat said,
“What on Jalakax are you doing you twerp. This isn’t a dance you know. You won’t stand a chance if it decides to ‘tongue’ you so stop prancing around like a cross between the sugar plum fairy and CosmosMan.”
“I am not prancing. I am intimidating, which is a lot more than the nothing you’re doing,” I responded testily.
“I am thinking,” said Cat in his most superior of tones, “something that I realise is as alien to you as the tail currently stuck on your brain. Sorry I mean your rump.”
Positively now bristling with indignation I started to search for some new abuses to send in Cat’s direction whereupon the Mudlizard cut in again with,
“Excuse me but could you two stop with the irritating ping pong of deadly insults and, just for a moment, focus on the fact that you are being menaced by an acknowledged alien beast?”
To be continued……….
Spoiling for a Fight
“Now look,” I replied, “this is a pretty serious situation for me. It’s hardly surprising that I might get a little confused is it? And anyway how stupid was it for head office to call you ‘Cat’ and your Dad ‘Cat’ too. I mean at least they could have given you numbers for goodness sake”
At that point the Mudlizard, who I’d completely forgotten about, piped up with,
“Can you two stop this please. I have some dismembering to plan.”
“Oh great,” I said, “a Mudlizard with a sense of humour. Well listen to me you member of the clan from mega-monsterland, you come anywhere too close to me and I’ll beat your brains out with your own tail.”
At that I swished the tail attached to my rear end back and forth, impressing myself with the ease with which I was now able to control it. Cat squirmed free of my hands and hovered in the air beside me, though a safe distance away. He was clearly keen to avoid being ‘batted’ around again by my Mudlizard appendage.
To be continued…….
Well, I call it Farting
I stared at the monster, leaning my upper body as far back from it as my, I mean its, tail would permit me. My eyes darted over the front of the Mudlizard’s body. Where was my willy I wondered? There was nothing obvious externally, though Mudlizards tended to have quite a lot of folds of flesh where their bellies were, so it could be hiding under one of them I thought. I mean mine did the same, especially if the weather was on the cool side and, when of course, it was actually attached to my body.
In a show of bravado I grabbed Cat, who had been hovering around the side of my head, and held him out in front of me. I then said to the Mudlizard,
“I warn you this Cat is armed and dangerous.”
I turned Cat around in my hands and pointed his rear end at the Mudlizard. After lifting his tail I said, “Ok Cat, fire on my command.”
“Ummmm…, Look boss I think the part transformation of your body is making you even more confused that usual. My Father, Cat, used to gaseously expel, and Mudlizards were indeed at one point very susceptible to the hydrogen sulphide in his expellations. However I am a new generation of artificial intelligences. I vent, I do not need to gaseously expel. And anyway, Mudlizards have gotten wise to that particular ‘weapon’ and now routinely take an antidote to protect themselves against hydrogen sulphide, wherever it comes from.”
“You mean fart,” I responded.
“I beg your pardon,” replied Cat in a somewhat offended tone.
“Fart,” I repeated, “your Father Cat used to fart continuously. It was probably the most useful thing he ever did generally, and certainly when we first encountered the Mudlizards.”
“Excuse me,” said Cat rather haughtily, still with his tail up and bottom pointed directly at the Mudlizard,
“my Father, Cat, did not fart. He was quite categorically clear about that. And anyway whether he did or didn’t doesn’t matter. As I just told you hydrogen sulphide has no impact on Mudlizards anymore. It’s useless as a weapon. So going on about it to cover up the fact that your lonely brain cell cannot work out the difference between me, Cat, and my Father, Cat, is a bit pointless. Why not just say ‘I’m really compromised brain neuron-wise and can’t process the fact that there have been two Cat’s in my life, neither of which ever actually farted!!” ended Cat rather too triumphantly for my liking.
To be continued…….