The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.9

How had this Happened?

I leapt around 180 degrees. Well, leapt is probably not very accurate. I made a lumbering multi-step turn to face the other way, just in the vain hope that maybe the tail wasn’t really attached to me. To my horror though, as I turned, the tail went with me. It was mine. But how? I decided to speak again even if it came out as gibberish as I knew in my head what I was saying and clearly also, Cat could understand the gibberish. So I said or rather shouted,

“What in the shadows of Ralos is going on!!”

Cat responded, “I have no idea. I’m not sure where Ralos is to be honest so have very little chance of knowing what’s going on there.”

I glared at Cat as I responded, spitting out each word in a most elongated manner,

“I wasn’t referring to Ralos directly you artificial idiot. I meant what is going on with me. Why do I have a tail? Why am I apparently speaking fluent Mudlizard and drooling like a Tigron in a chicken coop?”

“Tigrons are vegan you human synaptic disaster. They would not wish to be anywhere near a chicken coop even if chicken coops still existed,” responded Cat.

“Don’t split hairs,” I said in an exasperated fashion,

“They wouldn’t eat hares either,” said Cat, trying to be helpful or so he claimed.

“I meant……, don’t quibble about my dribble,” I said.

“A poet now….” murmured Cast, clearly amused by my stringing quibble and dribble together.

At that I positively exploded. It was inevitable. Me, Earth’s foremost Intergalactic Tax Inspector, wanted ‘In Itemised Pieces’ by the Muzlizards, the scourge of the Universe, had somehow become part Mudlizard. It was ridciulous.

“This has to be some totally unfunny joke. This is something you’ve done isn’t it you creature from the laboratory for unfortunate experiments?” I raged at Cat, in what sounded in my ears as yet another string of the now standard incomprehensible gibberish that it appeared was all I could manage. As I raged, drool positively ‘tsunamied’ from between my lips engulfing Cat in some significant deluge of dribble. As a gentle purple spark ‘popped’ out from one of his now sodden ears, he vigorously shook himself and raged back with,

“Listen you moronic DNA defective, nucleotide base-pair short of a sensible gene sequence human,” which was followed by a deep breath and more vigorous shaking before he very loudly continued with,

“ I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN. YOU ENTERED THE COMBATDROME AGAINST MY WISE COUNSEL. YOU FELL DOWN THE HOLE. IF YOU HAD STAYED PUT WHEN I SAID TO, THIS PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED!!!”

To be continued………

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.8

Oh My God – I Do Have a Tail….

With that, Cat hovered directly ahead of me, about a metre away, before projecting reflective screens all around me. I looked at myself from all angles and was stunned to see strings of drool hanging from my mouth. Worse was to ‘dawn’ on me though. As I stared at my image I could see, emerging from above what used to be my backside , a tail. Instinctively I clenched my buttocks tightly together and to my intense horror I watched as the tail drew in, then up, before gently waving about. I just stared in the mirrors, stock still, somewhat oblivious to what was now a veritable flood of drool cascading down my front.

I tried to say ‘How?” but heard “Jroukh,” or something like that.

Cat responded, seeming to clearly understand ‘Jroukh’ and saying,

“I don’t know how exactly but you are now clearly part Mudlizard. Not only do you speak their language but you drool like they do. And, whilst you could pass off the dribbling and gibberish like sounds as simply a sudden escalation of what you do normally, the tail sticking out your rear end is, I’m afraid, much harder to normalise.”

As Cat finished talking my immobility ended as panic flowed from the relevant part of my brain through to all of the extremities of my body, including my new tail. ‘My new tail’ I screamed inside my head, ‘ MY NEW TAIL!!!!!’.

To be continued………

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.7

A Tall Tail……..

“What!! What!!” I retorted like a very grumpy parrot, “what are you going on about you blathering Jabbertwit.”
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“I am not a a Jabbertwit you moronic a….” Cat failed to finish his sentence as all of a sudden he sailed through the air a good 20 metres at least, before bouncing several time like a flat stone ricocheting off the surface of a pond, before coming to a stop. This obviously unexpected ‘Cat flight’ had coincided with me turning around as sharply as I could manage, given the strange mobility problems I was having.

“What happened to you?” I said to Cat, “stop mucking around or did some mysterious force throw you across whatever space we’re in?”

By now Cat was back on all fours and approaching slowly. In a voice bristling with indignation he said,

“I was not kicked by any mysterious force. There is no mystery here. Your blasted tail imparted the force that sent me flying. You’re going to have to learn to control that thing whilst I work out what’s going on.”

“Huh? What do you mean tail you, you, you…. “ I struggled for a sufficiently abusive term to use to describe Cat finally settling on ending my sentence rather lamely with,

“You creaTURE!!!!”

“That’s a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, if you don’t mind me saying,” said Cat.

“What are you on about?” I yelled.

“Well,” said Cat, “I know I have a tail but I’m a Cat. I’m supposed to have a tail. Humans are not supposed to have a tail. So I suggest that before you start calling me a ‘creature’ you take a good look back behind you and listen carefully to what’s coming out of your mouth.”

At that I froze, which wasn’t too difficult given the lumbering nature of my current movements. I looked over my right shoulder and forced my eyes downward as far as I could. I could see a metre or so of a slightly glistening and quite thick tail. It had a sharply pointed end. I then turned around clockwise  as quickly as I could, which basically required about 7 steps sideways with my right foot, whilst my left foot followed with small forward stepping movements. As I looked behind and down once having completed the turn, I realised that the tail was still there, behind me. I blinked slowly and then Cat said,

“Looks to me like you’re getting it. Let me help the dawn spread further though across that barren desert that makes up your brain.”

To be continued……..

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.4

What is all this Dribbling?

What did he mean I wondered as I moved my hand to touch my mouth and felt the wetness on my face. As I pulled my hand away long thick stringy bits of gooey saliva came along too, one end attached to my hand, the other end to my face. Suddenly two of the stringy strands of goo, having stretched so far, snapped under the tension and splattered back into my face. Why was I dribbling so much? I mean I knew that when I slept or watched Carlah McBee in Phantoms of the Cosmo-Universe I drooled a bit. But not this much. This was more flood than dribble. Very strange.

I felt suddenly strong enough to roll over onto my back, which I duly did. As I looked down my body I could see that my abdomen was much higher than my chest. I was clearly sitting on something and could definitely now feel something under my backside. I sat up partially, inclining my head and neck up and forward as I tested the integrity of my upper body on my forearms and elbows. I looked down my body and saw, sticking out from between my legs a tail. I recognised instantly that it was a Mudlizard’s tail. I had been close enough to these unspeakable beasts enough times in the past to know a Mudlizard’s tail from your average tail I can tell you. Even their tails exuded evil, foul, dastardly and devious plans for anyone encountering them. And that applied especially to me since I was on their ‘Most Wanted in Itemised Pieces’ list! So, how had I managed to land on a Mudlizard in my fall to the bottom of this hole? It was not actually the first time that I had landed on a Mudlizard. However, at least last time I was expecting to encounter them in some way, given that I was on board one of their spaceships at the time. This, was more of a surprise.

Anyways, as I sat up further I naturally wondered a)  what a Mudlizard was doing here, wherever ‘here’ was, b)where was the rest of it and c) why was I dribbling so much?

To be continued………

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.3

Ouch and Gibberish

Now it was definitely my turn to stare.

“Are you mad,” I said. “I don’t speak Mudlizard. How could I? I am not a Mudlizard nor am I a Mudlizard interpreter.”

Cat held one paw up and said,

“Watch this replay.”

He then aircast in front of my nose a recording of me saying ‘I don’t speak Mudlizard. How could I? I am not a Mudlizard nor am I a Mudlizard interpreter’, only in the recording what I heard was,

‘Scheukk gorbu blup falloopu grardge bhnnahhah’.

“That can’t be right,” I said, “your just applying some filter to make it sound like that. Really Cat, this is not the time to play mildly amusing jokes. I really think you should be focusing on finding a way to get me out of whatever it is I’m in.”

And lo and behold, right then, just as the word ‘in’ finished, I stopped floating. Abruptly. I kind of saw it coming in the sense that the extent to which I could see around me rapidly extended moments before the collision. Literally from between the ‘ih’ and ‘nuh’ of ‘in’ I went from being just about able to see Cat’s face in front of me to being able to see clearly all around. At that very moment I also just about had time before impact to realise I had not been floating around, but actually traveling quite fast.

It’s hard to describe in one word the sound that my body made as it slammed into what I presumed was a floor or the ground. Possibly ‘bang’ sums it up best. I lay very still, face down. My eyes were open and so was my mouth. I held my head up at an acute angle to the floor, my eyes widening as I felt warm wet stuff running from the corner of my mouth and down my chin. Blood. Oh my cosmos, it was blood. I was damaged. Internal bleeding. I was going to end here, crumpled, broken and bleeding to death on some floor down someone’s hole.

As I stretched my chin further away from the floor, Cat’s voice cut through the air with,

“Goodness me, that must have hurt. Lucky I broke your fall a little by going reverse thrust with my hovering as best I could.”

I tried to say thank him sarcastically but it came out as ‘Mkrggug’ and I thought this must be linked to the blood that was probably gushing from my mouth due, doubtless, to myriad internal injuries.

“If you’re going to thank me try not to use such a sarcastic tone,” said Cat.

How did he know I was being sarcastic I thought, I’d only managed to emit the sound ‘Mkrggug’ after all. I spoke again as more warm wetness flowed from my mouth and tried to say ‘I’m injured, bleeding, help me Cat’ but it came out as more gibberish and I heard ‘Cungryeka nutcdh bhachda’.

Cat instantly responded saying, “Well I can’t be sure until I’ve done some scans, but you don’t look that injured to me.”

I was really puzzled. He was clearly understanding my gibberish and I was obviously speaking gibberish because of the injuries I had sustained from my fall. I had to make him understand that so that he could help me. I tried to do this and heard from my own mouth,

“Rahkkhah pooeya nshjuds percumbhh fyuta,”

“Trust me,” said Cat, “you are not seriously injured. That isn’t blood flowing from your mouth, it’s just dribble. You are however possibly slightly changed by your recent journey……”

To be continued………..

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.1

Oh No, Not a Mudlizard…

Whilst I remained unable to speak properly my other senses began to kick in. I could feel myself beginning to slowly shrink back to a more normal length. Of course I could see, and though at first everything had been pretty dark, things had brightened up substantially coincidentally since Cat had first spoken out of the darkness. What I could now see was however hard to describe. Well, apart from Cat that is, who was hovering right by my face. He looked just as irritating as he always did.

There were floating objects all around me, none of which had a consistent shape really. Sometimes they were round but then square or oblong or very long and thin. And sometimes an object that was at one moment an amorphous lump would magically assume a discernible living shape. Sometimes a clearly human form, other times another life form. I was sure I had already seen a Silurian silkworm, a Commsterr and, I wasn’t certain, but possibly a Mudlizard!!!

It was the smell that gave the Mudlizard away. Those creatures were really foul. And they hated me. For absolutely no good reason I have to say. I had been on the Mudlizard Leadership’s ‘Wanted in Itemised Pieces’ for several years ever since Cat’s Father, Cat, had caused me to get into their bad books by twarting one or two of their maniacal plans to destroy Earth and conquer the Universe. They really were very unpleasant creatures with an unsavoury fixation on dismemberment, amongst other things. What was one of them doing here I wondered? Wherever ‘here’ was. Had I finally been captured by these beasts?

To be continued………

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3

Was I now a Klingfilm?……..

As I was drawn downward, panic began to build in me. Not only was my body stretched already to what felt like at least twice it’s normal length, I was disappearing through the apparent floor of the Drome. On top of that I couldn’t actually say anything intelligible. I couldn’t even scream. ‘What was down there’? ran through my racing mind, over and over again. This was surely one of my worst nightmares.

Suddenly, my head, now feeling really long and pointed, was sucked through the floor. Everything went dark and totally silent. Oh my, I was trapped. Buried. Destined to live on, breathe on, in this isolated, immobilised state. Until of course  I starved to death. Or died of thirst. Which of those came first I thought. It was thirst. I was sure that would finish me before starvation. But how long would that take?

Suddenly I could hear again as Cat’s somewhat hissy voice spat,

“About 7 days you Splart.”

I was so pleased to learn that my auditory senses were working again. So pleased, that the fact that Cat was yet again comparing me to the only organism in the Universe thicker than an amoeba, failed to annoy me as it usually did.

I couldn’t however speak. Well, or at least it didn’t sound like I could speak normally. I was definitely trying to ask Cat what in Captain Crack’s Universe had happened but all I could hear was something like ‘Wurrghh nah Carpa Crarrgghh Ubisserghh blah harghhhh’. I wasn’t Earth’s foremost Captain Crack afficianado you understand, but it did sound a little like I was speaking Klingfilm. Or whatever that race with the rock like heads was called in the 20th Century episodes of Star Trick.

“That’s remarkably like Klingon you know,” said Cat.

“Krarghhuh,” I said in apparently near perfect Klingfilm.

“Exactly,” responded Cat, who seemed to be enjoying this. He then added,

“And if you think I’m enjoying this, you would be quite wrong.”

I began to wonder again whether his latest upgrade was allowing him to hack into my Cortex Thought Assistant. There had been so many times recently at home, when I had decided to boot his butt, that he had moved well out of booting distance before my thought had even started its journey from ‘brain to boot’.

To be continued…….