The Sorting Master
At that truly unique offer of help I returned, as did the Mudlizard, to a predatory circling, crouching type motion as Cat exclaimed loudly,
“The pair of you are as bad as each other, what in the universe are you both doing?”
Before I could engineer a suitably cutting reply, a fourth somewhat machine synthetic voice cut in saying,
“Welcome beings. Please do not panic. I am the Sorting Master at this Quark Station and I am here to help you get sorted out.”
“Oh, thank goodness,” I said staring intently at Cat, “something that wants to help.”
Cat grunted at that before replying to the disembodied voice of the Sorting Master, saying,
“It’s very good of you Sorting Master to communicate in a language that this idiot can understand.”
“You are most welcome Mr. Cat,” said the disembodied voice.
“Why is it that everyone and everything in this universe is so polite to you ‘Mr. Cat’ whist I get treated like a piece of sub-atomic flotsam,” I enquired of no one in particular.
“Probably because you’re a moron you moron,” responded Cat.
As I was just about to consider forming a pact with the Mudlizard, the Sorting Master spoke again,
“Please everyone just remain calm and I’ll have this all sorted out quite quickly. Now if I could just take down some particulars for our records.”
“I am perfectly calm,” said Cat.
“Yes, yes I know you are calm Mr. Cat. I was referring to the two exchangents,” said the Sorting Master’s voice.
To be continued………
Here we go with the dismembering again…..
Forgetting for a moment that I was on this beast’s dismembering schedule I responded quite gleefully with,
“Now that’s not a bad idea you know. Tell me do you have any dismembering tips you could share with me? It’s not something I do on a routine basis you understand.”
“Of course Inspector,” answered the Mudlizard, “my pleasure. My best tip is to take your time. Enjoy the moment. Let your victim have time to think about what’s going to happen. Then continue with that principle and make sure you remove bits slowly. Start with small appendages and then work your way, slowly of course, up to larger organs.”
“Well, he’s obviously a Mudlizard who works to plan,” interjected Cat.
“Eh, what are you on about?” I enquired.
“He’s already effectively removed your so called willy hasn’t he? Surely you can’t get much smaller than that,” guffawed Cat.
I threw an icy glare at Cat as the Mudlizard continued,
“And of course Inspector, for enhanced educational purposes, I will of course gladly provide you with a detailed commentary as I slowly dismember you.”
To be continued……….
Terribly Sorry Old Chap
I looked back at the Mudlizard and instinctively threw out an apology.
“Yes of course, terribly sorry old chap. I was actually trying to pay attention to your menace you know. This blasted AI of mine has distracted me somewhat.”
“We tend not to have have such things,” said the Mudlizard, “where we have slaves they are wholly biological and do menial tasks only?”
“Really,” I responded, “I can completely understand that. Makes total sense. I expect you know where you are much better than I do. I rarely know what’s going on from one minute to the next you know. I mean, the authorities say that AIs are effectively our slaves but, I can tell you, my experience is quite different. Most of the time ‘it’ never tells me what’s going on. I have no idea what to expect next and if anyone is calling the ‘shots’ it’s ‘it’ and not me.”
The Mudlizard looked at me with what I imagined was the Mudlizard equivalent of an aghast expression as it replied,
“That’s just just ridiculous. The Mudlizard leadership would not tolerate such behaviour from a slave. Have you considered dismembering it?”
To be continued……..