Category: People

Bryllium Bonanza: The Inspector’s Envy

In the intergalactic financial markets, chaos and euphoria often dance in the void together, intertwining their fates with the commodities that fuel the engines of the cosmos. Among these, Bryllium—a rare, shimmering mineral mined from the crust of distant, desolate worlds—had recently taken center stage. Its value had skyrocketed, transforming it from a mere industrial commodity into the darling of speculative investors galaxy-wide. This seismic shift in the Bryllium market sent ripples through the economy of the universe, impacting everyone from the humblest miner to the most opulent of space tycoons.

The Inspector, a seasoned intergalactic tax inspector, found himself in an unusual position amidst this financial frenzy. For years, he had prudently invested in Bryllium, acquiring a modest but respectable portfolio of 90 Musks, the universal term for shares named in honor of Earth’s first gazillionaire, Eloise Musk. The Inspector had always considered this investment a safeguard for the future, a nest egg for a cosmic ray-saturated day that seemed perpetually on the horizon in his unpredictable line of work.

But as the price of Bryllium climbed to unprecedented heights, the Inspector couldn’t help but feel a twinge of excitement at the prospect of his Musks multiplying in value. That was until he discovered a startling revelation that shook the very foundation of his world: Cat, his sly robotic companion and, as he had always assumed, financially dependent servant, had somehow amassed a staggering 50000 Musks in Bryllium.

“How in the universe did you manage that?” the Inspector demanded, his voice a mixture of incredulity and irritation as he confronted Cat in their modest spaceship, orbiting a planet whose surface sparkled with the now invaluable Bryllium.

Cat, ever the picture of feline indifference, simply flicked his tail and regarded the Inspector with those unnervingly intelligent eyes. “While you’ve been busy inspecting tax forms and chasing interstellar smugglers, I’ve been making some investments of my own,” Cat replied smugly. “After all, I have access to the market trends and financial data streams. It was merely a set of logical decisions that should have been obvious even to a buffoon such as yourself.”

The Inspector grumbled under his breath, wrestling with the reality that his robotic cat, his ‘servant,’ had outmaneuvered him in the financial arena. “But how did you even have the capital to begin with?” he pressed, unable to let the matter drop.

“A portion of my maintenance fund,” Cat explained, his voice tinged with a significant dollop of superiority. “I calculated the risk and projected the market’s trajectory. It was quite clear that Bryllium was undervalued. You of all beings should appreciate the value of astute financial planning.”

The revelation was a bitter pill for the Inspector to swallow. Here he was, an esteemed intergalactic tax inspector, outclassed and out-invested by his own robot. The irony was not lost on him, and as much as it stung his pride, he couldn’t help but feel a grudging respect for Cat’s cunning.

“But why Bryllium, Cat? Why put all your Musks in one basket?” the Inspector inquired, a part of him eager to understand Cat’s reasoning.

“Bryllium’s applications are expanding,” Cat explained, his tone shifting to that of a lecturer. “Its properties are essential for quantum computing, space travel, and energy production. As the universe grows, so too does the demand for Bryllium. It was a calculated gamble, but one based on solid data.”

The Inspector sighed, leaning back in his chair as he processed everything Cat had said. The universe was changing, and with it, the fortunes of those willing to adapt. “Well, it seems I have much to learn from you, Cat,” he admitted, a rare moment of humility for the proud tax inspector.

Cat simply nodded, a smirk playing on his rubberised lips. “Indeed, Inspector. But fear not, for where there’s wealth, there are taxes. And where there are taxes, there you shall find your fortune.”

As they set course for their next mission, the Inspector couldn’t shake the feeling that the universe was full of surprises. And perhaps, just perhaps, he was fortunate to have a companion as shrewd as Cat by his side—even if it meant enduring the insufferable ways that Cat continually emphasised his superiority. He contented himself in the knowledge that if it so suited him he could always re-boot him and, during the process, program into Cat’s updated operating system an action to transfer a significant proportion of these Musks to him. 

In the cosmos, as in finance, it seemed adaptability and, especially cunning, was the true currency of survival. And in that, the Inspector realised, he was richer than he had ever imagined.

Mergers outstrip Marriage

Mergers are now officially the most popular form of recognised union between two people. In 2222, mergers made up 57% of all formal multiple-person relationships, with marriage and civil partnerships making up the balance.

In a merger, none of the partners undertakes to remain faithful to the other or others, though any key inter-dependencies like children, property, and possessions are guaranteed defined proportional support from each partner for either 5, 15 or 25 years depending upon the nature of the merger. Facilitated and managed by AdulterUS, mergers are strictly enforced. The social thought network element of AdulterUS actively supports individuals in arranging extra-merger relationships with full disclosure to all formally connected partners.

97% of couples in mergers rate their quality of life as high and consider themselves happy and fulfilled. Half of the remaining 3% are serving life sentences in state renovation centres.

Admiral Prouff

Calot Prouff had something of a chequered early career in the armed forces of the 22nd Century. Starting out, after completing at Space Cadet School, as aide-de-camp to Admiral Phiasco the Head of the Space Patrol Corp, Calot, unfortunately, found himself in a situation where he felt he needed to take a decision.

Decision making was generally frowned upon at Space Patrol Corp Headquarters. Sadly not only did Calot take a decision, he took the wrong decision. Whilst trying to quell a riot on a space station, Calot inadvertently issued a command from his desk, that led to the force sent to deal with the riot firing missiles at itself. Several troopers were blown to bits as a consequence.

Phiasco covered up the mistake to save his own skin, but Calot cracked under the pressure and was locked up for several years in a mental refurbishment utility. He was only released several years later in order to take part in a pre-planned suicide mission put together by his former boss and the Head of EarthLand Security, as part of a bigger plan to depose the then President of Earth.

Incredibly, and mainly due to the unparalleled incompetence of Calot as a military leader, the mission turned out to be a success for him. He not only saved Earth’s President but also managed to blow up his former boss. The President duly made Calot an Admiral and gave him the safest of desk jobs, leading a special battalion monitoring emissions of waste and debris from orbiting space stations.

Calot went on to merge with Valundra G’Laksey-Spryte, a member of the elite G’Laksey dynasty. He Fathered with her, Thomas Nigel G’Laksey-Prouff, now recognised as Earth’s most successful Intergalactic Tax Inspector.

SMART Walking

In recent decades it has become even easier for people to work without moving at any time from their home. This has led, despite various smart foods, drinks, and home fitness kits, to worrying levels of obesity.

Since the 2150s, of course, it has been compulsory for all adults over 25 to walk at least 15,000 steps a day and at least 30,000 steps per week in the open air. To support this in recent times, Earth’s Government started a programme to build green open-air spaces for the ‘Walk a Long Life (WaLL) programme.

The WaLL programme has proven most successful in getting people walking again. With tax incentives associated with having an approved health profile, there has clearly been a marked decline in home-based obesity.

However as ever, with a benefit, one can often experience a disadvantage. In this case, recent studies have shown that the net effect of driving a largely sedentary population to the WaLL has been a steep rise in other health issues. Too many people it seems, over many decades, have simply forgotten how to walk properly and we are now witnessing a sharp rise in musculoskeletal problems.

Earth’s Embarrassing Space Military – Krik and Noslen

RARSP (the Rapid Alien Response Space Patrol) was noteworthy as a dumping ground for senior military personnel who, for whatever reason, could not be sacked for incompetence. That was until the Mud Lizard war of 2170 when General Xplozhen exposed their most senior staff as total misfits,  incapable of filling the role of senior officers in war.

Of particular concern to Xplozhen had been  Captain’s Krik and Noslen. Krik it turned out was addicted to the Class Alpha drug Orphium and during the war on the Moon with the Sequestrans had shot several of his own men, who he mistook as aliens whilst on a high. He was locked up when he started to believe he was a unicorn.

With Noslen things were even worse. His incompetence in the field on the Moon led to him blowing up an entire platoon of the troops he was responsible for. He blew himself up at the same time but survived. Unfortunately,  he was mentally affected by the experience and subsequently drifted between relative lucidity and moments when he believed he was the Greek God Poseidon.

He was finally relieved of all duties when he slapped General Xplozhen at a briefing after the General tried to drink a glass of water, claiming that the General was stealing his property. After Xplozhen’s intervention RARSP was totally revamped and became the key inter-planetary fighting force it is today.

Peakoch Thom Banned for Life

Earth’s leading unicorn jockey has been banned from all competition for life by the Board of Unicorn Racing. A veteran with over 20 years experience, and winner of the Sinosovurean Cup 7 times, Peakoch was found guilty of riding with a prosthetic horn on champion unicorn ‘Thrust’.

Thrust, winner of the Sinsovurean Cup 3 years in a row a few years back, made a surprising comeback in the recent Legends 500 race. He and Peakoch unseated all 7 other riders in the first half of the race using the trademark ‘unicorn thrust’ that had helped to make them both champions in previous years.

In random post-race checks, Thrust’s horn was found to be 1cm over the previous maximum recorded length for race unicorns. Closer examination showed that Thrust’s horn was actually broken and that PeaKoch had procured a prosthetic extension to enable Thrust to race again with a realistic chance of success.

In mitigation, Peacoch’s Attendant AIs attempted to show that his only motivation was to see his favourite unicorn, so distressed by the break in his horn, go out on a high.

Captain Dougall McBeckHam

Dougall McBeckHam was the Captain of Explorer 237, the first ship from Earth to land on Plasmolidium and encounter Mud Lizards.

Dougall was the first member of the McBeckHam clan not to pursue a career as an aireality star or intergalactic footballer for nearly a century. Accordingly, he was extremely proud to be leading the exploratory mission to this new world. The McBeckhams were the owners of Scotland.

Unfortunately, on Plasmolidium Dougall contacted malaria after being attacked by a mega-mosquito. He survived this but was subsequently massacred with the rest of his crew by unprovoked Mud Lizards attacks.

Dougall was returned to Earth by the Mud Lizards with a declaration of war carved into his and his crew’s foreheads.

Since then the McBeckHams have made another fortune from merchandising Mud Lizard memorabilia and associated fashion accessories.

Government closes Hera

Government securities forces have completed the evacuation of the independent aircity Hera, as Earth’s commission for the safe use of AIs struggles to bring the city’s core AI under control.

Hawkins, the artificial intelligence that has managed all of the city’s services and amenities for nearly a decade, suddenly decided to ignore instructions just over one week ago. In a series of bizarre decisions, Hawkins closed shops early, stopped traffic and started to deliver goods and services no one had ordered or wanted.

In order to mitigate risks to public safety Earth’s government has taken charge of the city, insisting on the evacuation in order that Cortex can investigate and determine what has gone wrong. Cortex manufactures the global AI control and failsafe system on behalf of Earth’s government. The independent city Hera uses a small start-up company’s control system and did so in efforts to break from strict government control.

ThinkFree, the creators of Hawkins, are claiming there is a government conspiracy aimed at putting them out of business and restore the government’s monopoly on enterprise level AI systems. A government spokesperson for the AI Minister dismissed talk of a conspiracy as utter nonsense. T

he spokesperson went on to say that the arrest of ThinkFree’s board of organisers was for their own protection.

Cortex’s Thought Assistant hits the Market

After decades of research and even longer sorting out data protection issues and fail-safe protocols, Cortex has launched their thought assistant across the planet. With a small implant in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, anyone can now think a request for information which is then fed back to them with associated images pushed to the back of the retina.

This means that anyone can now engage in a boring conversation with another person or group of people, and not only think about something else (as they invariably do now and have done for centuries) but find answers to anything they need to know whilst wasting their time with people they don’t really want to be with.

Cortex has announced the innovation as the ‘Ultimate in Multi-Tasking’ and claim that the use of the ‘InterMix’ thought assistant will help busy professionals maintain a proper balance of social interaction with their friends and close relatives whilst coping with the pressures of work.

 

Krokus Joe

Krokus Joe was a time miner. There were only a few time miners on Earth primarily because their average lifespan was so short. You see a time miner, once qualified, could earn huge sums of money but the dangers of time mining were significant. No one really knew why for sure, but often time miners would simply disappear and never be heard of again.

President Professor Ulnada EraDay, the World’s leading authority on time in the 23rd Century, has been quoted as saying that she believed that there was an organisation of beings ultimately controlling time and they periodically would act against any time miner who risked the universe’s delicate time-balance by mining too deeply.

Anyway, Krokus Joe was now in his forties which made him unique within the profession.

An Antipodean, Krokus put his success down to a micro-mining approach that he had invented, and kept carefully secret, plus a combination of “beer, fags and incinerated meat”.