Category: Comedy

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.4

What is all this Dribbling?

What did he mean I wondered as I moved my hand to touch my mouth and felt the wetness on my face. As I pulled my hand away long thick stringy bits of gooey saliva came along too, one end attached to my hand, the other end to my face. Suddenly two of the stringy strands of goo, having stretched so far, snapped under the tension and splattered back into my face. Why was I dribbling so much? I mean I knew that when I slept or watched Carlah McBee in Phantoms of the Cosmo-Universe I drooled a bit. But not this much. This was more flood than dribble. Very strange.

I felt suddenly strong enough to roll over onto my back, which I duly did. As I looked down my body I could see that my abdomen was much higher than my chest. I was clearly sitting on something and could definitely now feel something under my backside. I sat up partially, inclining my head and neck up and forward as I tested the integrity of my upper body on my forearms and elbows. I looked down my body and saw, sticking out from between my legs a tail. I recognised instantly that it was a Mudlizard’s tail. I had been close enough to these unspeakable beasts enough times in the past to know a Mudlizard’s tail from your average tail I can tell you. Even their tails exuded evil, foul, dastardly and devious plans for anyone encountering them. And that applied especially to me since I was on their ‘Most Wanted in Itemised Pieces’ list! So, how had I managed to land on a Mudlizard in my fall to the bottom of this hole? It was not actually the first time that I had landed on a Mudlizard. However, at least last time I was expecting to encounter them in some way, given that I was on board one of their spaceships at the time. This, was more of a surprise.

Anyways, as I sat up further I naturally wondered a)  what a Mudlizard was doing here, wherever ‘here’ was, b)where was the rest of it and c) why was I dribbling so much?

To be continued………

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.3

Ouch and Gibberish

Now it was definitely my turn to stare.

“Are you mad,” I said. “I don’t speak Mudlizard. How could I? I am not a Mudlizard nor am I a Mudlizard interpreter.”

Cat held one paw up and said,

“Watch this replay.”

He then aircast in front of my nose a recording of me saying ‘I don’t speak Mudlizard. How could I? I am not a Mudlizard nor am I a Mudlizard interpreter’, only in the recording what I heard was,

‘Scheukk gorbu blup falloopu grardge bhnnahhah’.

“That can’t be right,” I said, “your just applying some filter to make it sound like that. Really Cat, this is not the time to play mildly amusing jokes. I really think you should be focusing on finding a way to get me out of whatever it is I’m in.”

And lo and behold, right then, just as the word ‘in’ finished, I stopped floating. Abruptly. I kind of saw it coming in the sense that the extent to which I could see around me rapidly extended moments before the collision. Literally from between the ‘ih’ and ‘nuh’ of ‘in’ I went from being just about able to see Cat’s face in front of me to being able to see clearly all around. At that very moment I also just about had time before impact to realise I had not been floating around, but actually traveling quite fast.

It’s hard to describe in one word the sound that my body made as it slammed into what I presumed was a floor or the ground. Possibly ‘bang’ sums it up best. I lay very still, face down. My eyes were open and so was my mouth. I held my head up at an acute angle to the floor, my eyes widening as I felt warm wet stuff running from the corner of my mouth and down my chin. Blood. Oh my cosmos, it was blood. I was damaged. Internal bleeding. I was going to end here, crumpled, broken and bleeding to death on some floor down someone’s hole.

As I stretched my chin further away from the floor, Cat’s voice cut through the air with,

“Goodness me, that must have hurt. Lucky I broke your fall a little by going reverse thrust with my hovering as best I could.”

I tried to say thank him sarcastically but it came out as ‘Mkrggug’ and I thought this must be linked to the blood that was probably gushing from my mouth due, doubtless, to myriad internal injuries.

“If you’re going to thank me try not to use such a sarcastic tone,” said Cat.

How did he know I was being sarcastic I thought, I’d only managed to emit the sound ‘Mkrggug’ after all. I spoke again as more warm wetness flowed from my mouth and tried to say ‘I’m injured, bleeding, help me Cat’ but it came out as more gibberish and I heard ‘Cungryeka nutcdh bhachda’.

Cat instantly responded saying, “Well I can’t be sure until I’ve done some scans, but you don’t look that injured to me.”

I was really puzzled. He was clearly understanding my gibberish and I was obviously speaking gibberish because of the injuries I had sustained from my fall. I had to make him understand that so that he could help me. I tried to do this and heard from my own mouth,

“Rahkkhah pooeya nshjuds percumbhh fyuta,”

“Trust me,” said Cat, “you are not seriously injured. That isn’t blood flowing from your mouth, it’s just dribble. You are however possibly slightly changed by your recent journey……”

To be continued………..

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.2

Sprechen sie Mudlizard?

At this point I felt like I was drifting slowly through whatever space or location I was in. Shapes continued to appear and disappear, some flying by me and, bizarrely, some passing right through me. Or at least that’s how it felt. When that happened I could feel my entire body, which was still slightly distended, vibrate rather alarmingly. Over time, wherever I was had grown appreciably lighter and I could see around me quite clearly as I continued to drift like a grain of pollen in the wind. My voice had also recovered and when I spoke now what came out was at a normal speed, or so it felt to me.

“Where exactly are we?” I said to Cat, who was still hovering by the top end of my body.

He had been silent for a while and remained so, staring at me in quite an intimidating manner I thought. His whiskers twitched noticeably.

“Well,” I said, “cat got your tongue?”

Of course in normal circumstances I would have thought saying that to him was quite funny. But I was close to delivering my last 3 meals at explosive pace through my rear end right then, so I didn’t laugh.

Once again he just stared at me, transfixing his green eyes on my mouth and then finally, he spoke, “Say ‘what’ again,”

“What, what, WHAT?” I yelled at him.

“Anything,” said Cat.

“I didn’t say ‘anything’,” I replied somewhat testily.

“No, no. I don’t mean the word ‘anything’. I don’t mean just that word. I mean just say ‘anything’, said Cat.

Now it can was my turn to blink and stare. I mean what did he mean by ‘say anything’?

Suddenly Cat shouted, “JUST REPEAT AFTER ME, ‘THE BAFFLEBERRY JUICE HAS DISAPPEARED AGAIN’

“Eh? Are you nuts?” I yelled back as best I could. “What’s wrong with you? Have you gone deaf? Can you not hear me you rubberised tin can?”

“Oh I can hear you alright. I’m just a bit stunned that’s all,” responded Cat.

“By what?” I queried, “by the situation? If so, join the club.”

“Not so much by the situation,” answered Cat, “more by the fact you are talking to me in fluent ‘Mudlizard’ as opposed to the usual Earth bound language you normally use.”

To be continued…….

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3.1

Oh No, Not a Mudlizard…

Whilst I remained unable to speak properly my other senses began to kick in. I could feel myself beginning to slowly shrink back to a more normal length. Of course I could see, and though at first everything had been pretty dark, things had brightened up substantially coincidentally since Cat had first spoken out of the darkness. What I could now see was however hard to describe. Well, apart from Cat that is, who was hovering right by my face. He looked just as irritating as he always did.

There were floating objects all around me, none of which had a consistent shape really. Sometimes they were round but then square or oblong or very long and thin. And sometimes an object that was at one moment an amorphous lump would magically assume a discernible living shape. Sometimes a clearly human form, other times another life form. I was sure I had already seen a Silurian silkworm, a Commsterr and, I wasn’t certain, but possibly a Mudlizard!!!

It was the smell that gave the Mudlizard away. Those creatures were really foul. And they hated me. For absolutely no good reason I have to say. I had been on the Mudlizard Leadership’s ‘Wanted in Itemised Pieces’ for several years ever since Cat’s Father, Cat, had caused me to get into their bad books by twarting one or two of their maniacal plans to destroy Earth and conquer the Universe. They really were very unpleasant creatures with an unsavoury fixation on dismemberment, amongst other things. What was one of them doing here I wondered? Wherever ‘here’ was. Had I finally been captured by these beasts?

To be continued………

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 3

Was I now a Klingfilm?……..

As I was drawn downward, panic began to build in me. Not only was my body stretched already to what felt like at least twice it’s normal length, I was disappearing through the apparent floor of the Drome. On top of that I couldn’t actually say anything intelligible. I couldn’t even scream. ‘What was down there’? ran through my racing mind, over and over again. This was surely one of my worst nightmares.

Suddenly, my head, now feeling really long and pointed, was sucked through the floor. Everything went dark and totally silent. Oh my, I was trapped. Buried. Destined to live on, breathe on, in this isolated, immobilised state. Until of course  I starved to death. Or died of thirst. Which of those came first I thought. It was thirst. I was sure that would finish me before starvation. But how long would that take?

Suddenly I could hear again as Cat’s somewhat hissy voice spat,

“About 7 days you Splart.”

I was so pleased to learn that my auditory senses were working again. So pleased, that the fact that Cat was yet again comparing me to the only organism in the Universe thicker than an amoeba, failed to annoy me as it usually did.

I couldn’t however speak. Well, or at least it didn’t sound like I could speak normally. I was definitely trying to ask Cat what in Captain Crack’s Universe had happened but all I could hear was something like ‘Wurrghh nah Carpa Crarrgghh Ubisserghh blah harghhhh’. I wasn’t Earth’s foremost Captain Crack afficianado you understand, but it did sound a little like I was speaking Klingfilm. Or whatever that race with the rock like heads was called in the 20th Century episodes of Star Trick.

“That’s remarkably like Klingon you know,” said Cat.

“Krarghhuh,” I said in apparently near perfect Klingfilm.

“Exactly,” responded Cat, who seemed to be enjoying this. He then added,

“And if you think I’m enjoying this, you would be quite wrong.”

I began to wonder again whether his latest upgrade was allowing him to hack into my Cortex Thought Assistant. There had been so many times recently at home, when I had decided to boot his butt, that he had moved well out of booting distance before my thought had even started its journey from ‘brain to boot’.

To be continued…….

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 2.16

That Sinking Feeling…..

As I had stepped through the entrance doors to the CombatDrome though I did feel a distinct downward pull on my body, generally everything looked fine and actually quite normal. There, right in front of me, was the floor as one might expect. Ok it was checkered, a bit like a chessboard, and made my eyes go a little funny when I first looked at it, but it did look exactly like a normal floor. However, I quickly discovered that stepping onto it was more like stepping into it.

As I put my front leg forward and my foot down, I felt my body begin to fall away from me. My right leg seemed to stretch to a very abnormal length as the floor became concave beneath my feet and also expanded in all directions, distorting the black and white squares immediately beneath me. I sensed myself being sucked into the floor as my body grew even more, extending the distance from my mouth to my feet most alarmingly. Surely, I thought, I would soon distend some part of me so much that I would break into two somewhere along my body.

As ever, my training for unexpected emergencies like this kicked in instinctively, as one would expect. Accordingly, I freaked out totally as panic engulfed me and I tried to scream ‘HELPPPPPPPPP CAAAAAT’. Unfortunately not much more than a long groaning guttural grunting noise emerged from my mouth, as my body continued its expansion and I slowly but surely sank down into the floor.

To be continued in Chapter 3……

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 2.15

A Hole is a Hole, or is it?

As I stood up I accidentally stood on one of the Prorex’s hands but she didn’t stir. Cat had certainly sent her into dreamland, which would be a nightmare I thought for anyone unfortunate enough to be in one of her dreams. Anyway, we needed to get on I decided and sort out this Drome hole now that the Prorex was thankfully out of the equation.

I stood tall, now that Cat had fixed the sensors in my shoes before straightening my tunic, determined to recover my poise and dominance over the situation.

“Right,” I said to Cat in the authoritative tone I normally reserved for circumstances when I was about to do something stupidly brave, “I’m going to take a look at this blasted hole. I want to get away from this mad place as soon as possible. And definitely before she wakes up,” I said, accidentally treading on her other hand as I walked away.

“I would strongly advise against that,” said Cat.

“Why?” I queried, “is there a problem? You’ve  been and looked. Surely it’s safe enough. And it is just just a hole, right? It’s simple and straightforward in my view. It’s a hole, probably caused by some sort of air subsidence, and we just need to advise it to be filled in. Don’t know really why I was called in the first place. Or why I’m going to look at it now. But I’m going to, if only to show that potty Prorex that I’m in charge here,” I ended triumphantly.

“I really would strongly advise that you leave this hole well alone. It is no ordinary hole trust me,” said Cat.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I snapped at Cat.

“About what?” enquired Cat.

“Suggesting firstly that I trust you and secondly that this is no ordinary hole. A hole is a hole. Well, so no long as it’s not a black hole of course. It’s not a black hole is it?” I asked as I momentarily paused my determined march to the Drome, thinking obviously if it was a black hole, well, that was different.

“No, it’s not a black hole,” said Cat, “definitely not a black hole. Buhhh….”

Cat’s intended ‘but’ was cut off by the instant return of my new found determination to get on with it kicking back in, as I responded,

“Well there we are then. If it’s not a black hole then I can go and have a look at it can’t I? You have after all”

“Yes, but you don’t understand. It’s no ordinary hole,” blustered Cat as he hovered up beside my head. “For one thing, it’s really really big and…..”

I cut him off again mid sentence as I reached the main doors to the Drome with,

“Ok, I get it. It’s a big hole. I’ll be careful. Like I said before, a hole is a hole. If it’s not a black hole. And as it’s not, what’s the worst that can happen? As long as I don’t fall in I’ll be alright.”

With that line, which, assuming I survive will be a stand out one, I fell into the hole having wrenched open the large double entrance doors to the Drome. This was despite Cat’s last minute efforts to stop me, by hooking one of his paws into the belt of my trousers and slamming his hovering capability into sharp reverse.

Cat was absolutely right. This was no ordinary hole. For a start, it wasn’t really a hole at all or at least not a hole that looked much like a hole.

To be continued…….

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 2.14

The Prorex gets Poleaxed

I lay there groaning as the pain began to slowly subside. It was, I thought, now only at about 9 rather than 10 on the agony scale. Suddenly I found I could say single syllables again albeit with quite appreciable spaces between them.

“Ca, hat,” I said, “wa,….ta…… ha….puh, puh…..und….?”

Cat looked quizzically at me and responded, “Are you asking what happened?”

“Yah…ha..” I gasped.

“Oh the Prorex kneed you in your basement department. I think she was annoyed,” said Cat.

“The wi, chuh,” I exhaled.

“I really think you just better lay there for a while until you can say whole words again or this conversation will go on forever,” said Cat.

I curled up even more tightly into a ball to do as Cat suggested. Meanwhile Cat hovered up and flew off in the direction of the entrance proper of the CombatDrome. I watched through gritted eyes from my prone position, gut hammering out big pain signals to my brain, as Cat got smaller before he disappeared from my view through the Drome’s entrance portal

I briefly wondered what he might find before suddenly seeing right in front of my nose a yellow bow. Oh my goodness, the Prorex was back and ranting at me again. I instinctively scrunched my body up into an even tighter ball, expecting to be on the receiving end of yet more physical abuse.

As I tensed every muscle in my body and closed my eyes, I heard a thud. But I felt no pain so assumed the thud s was not due to her boot connecting with any part of my body. I opened my eyes and there right in front of them, on the ground, were now two yellow bows. Two feet, encased in 2 shoes, were effectively attached to the bows. As I lifted my head slightly I could see along the length of the once again prostrate and immobile body of the Prorex. The Prorex had been poleaxed, which quite pleased me of course a) because she was a loony and b) because she’d just about been ready to start beating me up again! But how had she come to be poleaxed I wondered?

As I sat up, now able to as the pains emanating from my groin had subsided markedly, I realised Cat was back. Hovering just above me he said,

“Oh dear. How unfortunate. I came back at such a speed from the Drome I didn’t see her until it was too late. Lucky I’m made of Rubanon. If I was ordinary metal I think the Prorex would be an ex-Prorex right now.”

“Well done Cat. Well done,” I said enthusiastically. “Ordinarily I’m not sure about a robot attacking a human but in this case I fully condone it. The woman is a total nutter.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” said Cat defensively, “I didn’t attack her. She got in the way.”

“Thank goodness for me she did,” I responded, “can you do it again if she recovers consciousness?”

To be continued…….

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 2.13

Ouch, that hurts…

No one had ever called me a terboid trissuk before, which sounded pretty awful. I made a mental note to ask Cat what it actually was at some point. For now I spoke again over her continuing rant that was now expelling other words I wasn’t too sure about in my direction.

“Madam, can I please remind you that had it not been for my quick thinking, allied to the averagely able assistance of my AI, you would still be hanging upside down being suffocated by your skirts and flashing your bloomers.”

I was quite pleased at my ‘counter’ outburst. Not only had I remembered the ancient name for referring to expansive female undergarments, I knew that my reference to Cat as my ‘AI’ would irritate the Cosmos out of him.

As Cat visibly bristled with indignation, to my side I noticed that the Prorex had hitched her skirts up to well above her knees. Good grief, I thought, we’d only just managed to cover that lot up. Before I could exclaim ‘Madam, please, control yourself or some appropriate set of words, my brain screamed ‘pain’ through what must have been every available synapse. As my eyes crossed and forehead compressed to into the bridge of my nose, a scream to curdle baffleberry juice erupted from the depths of my vocal machinery. The scream felt as though it was dragging my lungs from my chest and through my mouth. As it tailed off, through lack of available air, I collapsed to my knees and became increasingly aware of a very heavy weight pulling at my groin.

The weight spread into my abdomen as I wished that my maker had given me biceps instead of testicles between my legs. Nerves of steel would have been a very appropriate alternative. However, my testicles just had standard nerves and these nerves were protesting violently at what had been a clearly unexpected trauma ‘below stairs’. As I curried up into as small a ball as I could manage in a belated attempt to protect myself, Cat, who was now on the ground as well, padded over and said,

“Oh my, you poor thing. That must have hurt. She has very bony looking knees.”

“Huhhk-kaha,” I gasped.

“Totally understand you slipping into an unfamiliar dialect when under stress. I have to say though that one is very unfamiliar. Of the 9,456 Galactic dialects I am programmed with “Huhhk-kaha,” doesn’t get returned at all when I search. Perhaps you could repeat in case I misheard?” said Cat.

“MMMAHAHU- Guh,” I sort of squeaked out.

“Nope, don’t think we are really getting anywhere here. Maybe you should just get your breath back before you exhale anything else,” advised Cat.

To be continued……..

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 2.12

The Prorex Lets Loose

I really wasn’t sure what a Yskutan wave was. Nor indeed how to really say it, writing it down now as I am. Cat had pronounced it ‘Waskutan’ and I vaguely recollected some scientist with that name in the news a few years ago, being given an award for some startling discovery. Something about special waves created by Bosun computing that had very old grey PhysITs wetting themselves with excitement. But, really, for all I knew a Yskutan wave could be something supporters at an intergalactic championship football match did when their team annihilated an opposing team’s player.

As I began to recover some pain free feeling in my upper body, I heaved myself up and off the semi conscious and prone body of the Prorex. She was groaning and moving her arms. I took this as a good sign. As I gripped each side of my lower back with my hands and squeezed, leaning back to try to relieve some of the tension, I thought that perhaps I ought to try to help her up. I crouched near her wizened head which was still pretty much flat to the floor and said,

“Madam, are you alright. Can I assist you in anyway?”

The Prorex mumbled something completely incomprehensible back. It was perhaps not surprising that I couldn’t understand what she said as the lips of her mouth were still pretty much glued to the floor that they had hit, when my fall had flattened her. However, as her face slowly lifted up, and as she continued to mumble and grumble, I definitely heard words like ‘idiot’, ‘buffoon’ and ‘moron’, in amongst a load of other grunting and grumbling noises.

As she pushed with her palms to raise herself further off the floor, I sympathetically put my arms around her rising abdomen and sought to help her to her feet. I must confess that as she continued to spit out increasingly profane comments, obviously directed at me, I felt very much like dropping her back to the floor. Instead I said to the Prorex,

“Madam, please, let me help you to your feet.”

At that I heaved her upper body towards me and managed to help her first to her knees and then, after shifting my grip to be underneath her shoulders, she rose to her feet. I let go of her and stepped back as she turned around. Throughout all of this she had continued with her loud muttering which intensified, the instant that she faced me.

“You complete total utter blithering fool. You mindless twerp. You cretin. You, you terboid trissuk!!!”

“Madam please, there’s no need for such abusive language,” I implored.

To be continued………