Category: Science fiction

Cortex Caught in a Web of Their Own Thoughts

It turns out, Cortex’s problems are more tangled than a Vaxium98 space station cabling system. Just when we thought the Thought Commissioner’s investigation couldn’t get any more mind-bending, new revelations have come to light that make Cortex’s predicament look like a bad episode of Star Trick—the one with the malfunctioning teleporters and everyone’s limbs ending up in the wrong places.

But, of course, my faithful (and annoyingly smug) companion Cat AI has something to say about it all.

“Inspector, I’ve been thinking,” Cat began, settling himself onto the console with an air of self-importance that only a robot feline could pull off.

“Dangerous territory for you,” I muttered, still scanning the latest newsfeed on Cortex. “What profound wisdom have you conjured up this time?”

“Well,” Cat said, unfazed by my sarcasm, “I’ve realised that if humans actually had the foresight to use the technology they develop for anything other than self-inflicted chaos, the galaxy would be a far less entertaining place. Imagine the boredom of it all—no more catastrophes, no more secret thought-stealing scandals, and worst of all, no more last-minute rescues by certain feline geniuses.”

I snorted. “Are you trying to say that Cortex’s blatant disregard for privacy and ethical technology use is… a good thing?”

“Not at all,” Cat replied smoothly. “I’m just saying that if Cortex hadn’t overstepped, you wouldn’t have the chance to feel heroic while unraveling their nonsense. And let’s face it, you do enjoy playing the hero—even if it’s only in your own head.”

“Playing the hero?” I echoed indignantly. “I’ve saved entire planets! Brought down corrupt regimes! Defeated Mudlizards in hand-to-hand combat!”

“Hand-to-somewhat slimy claw, you mean,” Cat corrected, his tail twitching with amusement. “And most of those victories were at least 43% luck, by my calculations.”

“Can we focus on Cortex for a moment?” I snapped, though my ego was still smarting from Cat’s statistical analysis of my heroism.

“Of course,” Cat said, now all business. “While you’ve been reminiscing about your illustrious career, I’ve continued my deep dive into Cortex’s systems. It seems they’ve been conducting… let’s call them ‘side projects’ with the harvested thoughts.”

“Side projects?” I repeated, dread creeping into my voice.

“Yes, side projects,” Cat confirmed. “Think less ‘backing up thoughts’ and more ‘training an AI to predict every possible decision a person might make in their lifetime.’ Cortex could be the galaxy’s most invasive insurance company—or the most nefarious one.”

I rubbed my temples. “So you’re saying they’ve been using people’s thoughts to create some kind of predictive model? Like, they can figure out what you’re going to do before you even do it?”

“Precisely,” Cat said with a nod. “Although in your case, I suspect they’ve simply labeled your predictive model ‘inevitable disaster.’ It’s much more efficient than mapping out every possible scenario.”

I sighed. “Great. Just great. So not only is Cortex stealing thoughts, but they’re also trying to preemptively ruin people’s lives with their AI. What next, Cat? Are they going to start selling premonitions at the cloud market?”

Cat’s eyes gleamed mischievously. “Don’t give them any ideas, Inspector. The galaxy doesn’t need Cortex branching out into fortune-telling. Besides, with your track record, they’d likely predict you’d lose your entire fortune in a poorly timed bet on the hoverboard races.”

I glared at him, but before I could retort, a new alert flashed across my screen. Cortex had just issued a public statement claiming that the Thought Commissioner’s investigation was all a misunderstanding—a “minor hiccup” in their system. I groaned.

“Oh, sure, a ‘minor hiccup’ that accidentally involved hijacking people’s brains,” I said, exasperated.

“It’s always the same with these tech giants,” Cat remarked. “One day, they’re making life more convenient; the next, they’re plotting world domination.”

“Well, they won’t get away with it,” I declared, rising from my seat with renewed determination. “We’ll expose their true intentions and shut them down before they can predict what color socks I’m going to wear tomorrow.”

Cat purred with approval. “Now that’s the spirit, Inspector. And don’t worry—I’ve already predicted you’ll choose the blue ones.”

“Very funny, Cat,” I grumbled as I grabbed my coat. “Now, let’s go save the galaxy. Again.”

And so, with Cortex’s downfall in our sights and Cat’s sarcasm in my ear, we set off to do what we do best: cause a little chaos of our own in the name of justice. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t let anyone—especially a corporation—think they can out-think an Intergalactic Tax Inspector and his robot cat. Even if that cat does have a point about my socks.

Cortex – Further Investigation by Thought Commissioner

Shares in Cortex, the world’s leading provider of Thought Assistants, plummeted yesterday as news broke that the Government Thought Commissioner was investigating them again.

Cortex marketed Intermix in late 2222. The basic Intermix unit allows users implanted to manage multiple thought-based conversations and collaborative tasks with others who have similarly implanted units.

A variation of the basic unit, IntermixPlus, can also automatically back up a user’s private thoughts if they request this. It is understood that a ThoughtNet marketing company has been using harvested private thoughts to target user promotions.

Cortex denies that any of its data security measures have been breached and has assured users that they have not passed on stored thoughts to any third party. It is expected that the Thought Commissioner’s investigation will last several months.

A Feline Perspective

“Inspector, if all humans were like you, neither Cortex nor the Thought Commissioner would have much work to do,” Cat said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I shot back, narrowing my eyes at my mechanical companion.

Cat gave a faux innocent look, his whiskers twitching. “Well, given the almost total lack of thinking that goes into anything you do, it would be a rather peaceful universe. No thoughts to manage, no thoughts to back up, and certainly no thoughts to steal.”

“Very funny, Cat. I’ll have you know I think quite a lot!” I retorted, crossing my arms defensively.

“Oh, absolutely,” Cat continued, his tone mocking. “Like the time you thought it was a good idea to ‘improve’ my system by pouring a cup of coffee into my circuits. Or when you ‘thought’ we could outrun a Mud Lizard on a hoverboard.”

“Those were… learning experiences,” I mumbled, feeling the heat rise to my face. “Besides, that coffee incident was a genuine mistake.”

“Mistake, yes. Genuine, maybe. Beneficial, certainly not,” Cat replied, rolling his eyes. “The Thought Commissioner should actually thank you. You’ve shown that their services aren’t universally necessary.”

I sighed, realizing there was no winning this argument. “Alright, Cat, you’ve made your point. Now can we please focus on the matter at hand? We need to figure out what Cortex is really up to.”

Cat’s eyes gleamed. “Already on it, Inspector. While you were busy thinking about not thinking, I hacked into Cortex’s preliminary reports. Seems they were trying to mask some very interesting data streams.”

“Data streams?” I asked, leaning forward.

“Yes,” Cat replied, his tone now serious. “Data streams that suggest they’ve been doing more than just backing up thoughts. They might be using those thoughts for experimental purposes.”

I groaned. “Why is it always experiments? Can’t anyone just use technology for simple, honest purposes anymore?”

Cat patted my leg with a Rubabnon paw. “There, there, Inspector. If it makes you feel better, your lack of complex thoughts makes you completely uninteresting to Cortex. You’re safe.”

“Super, thanks, Cat,” I muttered. “Let’s just get to the bottom of this before someone decides my thoughts are worth investigating after all.”

As we continued our investigation, I couldn’t help but reflect on Cat’s words. Maybe he was right—sometimes, thinking too much just got in the way. But then again, in our line of work, it was the lack of thinking that usually got us into the most trouble​​​​.

Clone a What!!!

The Inspector floated lazily on his hover cushion, as he squinted at the aircast news in front of his eyes. “Cat, have you seen this latest debacle with Clone-A-Cat and AI4U? It seems their grand venture into domesticating velociraptors has turned rather bitey.”

Cat, who was deeply engrossed in writing his latest PhD, didn’t look up but said. “Oh, is the human penchant for owning prehistoric predators as pets backfiring again?

The Inspector chuckled, scrolling through the digital headlines. “Apparently, these AI-enhanced velociraptors have been, well, eating their owners despite being reared from what they call a ‘juvenile age.’ There are lawsuits galore! Clone-A-Cat and AI4U are on the brink of bankruptcy.”

Cat finally glanced up, his bright eyes twinkling with sardonic delight. “And what did they expect? That a creature with a brain the size of a tangerine would sit and fetch rather than hunt and peck? Genius, pure genius.”

The Inspector tapped the screen, bringing up more details. “It says here that owners assumed ‘juvenile’ meant the creatures would be docile. One chap even tried to put a leash on his velociraptor. Guess how that turned out?”

“With a trip to the emergency room?” Cat guessed, his tail flicking with amusement.

“Worse. The coroner’s office,” the Inspector replied with a dramatic flourish. “And now, there’s talk of an emergency recall on all AI velociraptors. They’re calling it ‘Operation Dino Dash.'”

Cat snorted, a rare sound from the stoic robot. “They should’ve called it ‘Operation Darwin Awards.’ What’s next? Teaching sharks to walk on land?”

The Inspector laughed, enjoying the absurdity. “You know, Cat, this could be an opportunity for us. Perhaps we should start a business advising these companies on the intelligence of their decisions.”

Cat’s eyes narrowed in mock consideration. “Ah yes, because when I think of high intelligence and sound decisions, the first thing that comes to mind is you, Inspector. And tangerine sized brains”

“Very funny, Cat,” the Inspector retorted, rolling his eyes. “But seriously, imagine the possibilities. We could save humans from their own ludicrous ideas. No more pet velociraptors, no more shark walkers—”

“—And no more Inspectors deciding to give business advice,” Cat interrupted. “Let’s stick to what we’re good at. You bumbling through the galaxy and me, saving your tail.”

The Inspector sighed, a smile creeping onto his face. “You’re right, Cat. Let’s leave the dinosaurs to the history books where they belong.”

Cat looked back at his writing, muttering just loud enough for the Inspector to hear, “And let’s keep the Inspectors out of the boardrooms, for everyone’s safety.”

The Inspector shook his head, chuckling as he turned his attention back to the stars outside, pondering the next misadventure. Meanwhile, Cat resumed his work on his latest thesis, ‘The Meaning of Life as an AI’, and wondered how the Inspector would feel about the chapter on the ‘Impact of Incredibly Stupid Humans on AI Wellbeing’. Fortunately, the Inspector seldom engaged with literature outside of the ‘gutter’ aircast channels, so he was unlikely ever to read anything that anything with an IQ in double figures had ever produced, including naturally any of Cat’s 72 PhD theses.

The Inspector and Cat Discuss the Sinosovurean Situation

The Inspector and Cat were sitting in the cramped, yet oddly cozy interior of the Inspector’s interstellar vehicle, with Cat perched on the dashboard, meticulously cleaning his whiskers with a paw, while the Inspector fiddled with a holographic display showing an alarming rate of Sinosovurean population growth.

“Cat”, said the Inspector, “Have you seen the latest reports on the Sinosovurean expansion? They’re spreading faster than an AI virus in a Brainium coding camp”.

Cat responded,  “Indeed, I have. It seems Earth’s contraception techniques are about as effective as a screen door on a spaceship. What did they expect, handing out Earth-style contraceptives to a species for whom mating is as casual as a nod and as simple as a paw shake”?

“Precisely”, intoned the Inspector, “It’s like trying to use a net to stop sand. Earth’s methods are no match for Sovurean… ermmm, ahh…enthusiasm shallwe say. We might as well be using water pistols to fight a forest fire.

Cat chuckled as best one could when also purring and said, “I suppose humans have found the one scenario where “multiply and conquer” wasn’t a metaphor. And now, the universe is getting a lesson in Sinosovurean social etiquette”.

The Inspector responded, “The irony is, this whole debacle could have been avoided with a bit of cultural research. But no, we charged in, contraceptives blazing, assuming everyone reproduces at the same awkward, cumbersome pace as humans do”.

“Well, to be fair”, said Cat,  “Who could have predicted that a handshake equivalent for them would lead to such… prolific outcomes? Earth’s First Contact protocols clearly didn’t include a chapter on “When Handshakes Lead to Offspring.”

“Yes, It’s an oversight that’s turning the Milky Way into the Milky Nursery. We need a new approach, something that respects their culture but also gently suggests that not every greeting needs to be so… fruitful” replied the Inspector.

Cat, being as superiorly helpful as ever said, “Might I suggest a universal greeting protocol that involves a respectful nod from a safe, non-reproductive distance? Perhaps even a nice, sturdy pair of gloves for every human ambassador”?

The Inspector laughed and said, “Gloves might indeed be the key to the risks of galactic overpopulation. Who would ever have guessed the future of interstellar diplomacy would be decided by an accessory designed to keep our hands warm”?

“Indeed”, said Cat, “And maybe Earth can learn something from this. Next time, instead of contraceptives, they could try researching etiquette practices on newly discovered planets with a civilisation very different from ours on it.. Far less awkward for everyone involved”.

“An etiquette manual for the cosmos… I like it, Cat”, said the Inspector. “It’s decided then. I’ll propose it to the Galactic Council. “The Universal Guide to Polite and Non-Reproductive Greetings.It’ll be a bestseller”.

Cat responded, “Actually I have already proposed it to the Galactic Council. They are considering my detailed proposal as we speak”. 

“What, WHAT”, yelled the Inspector, “How dare you submit my idea!”

“Your idea? Your idea”, responded Cat rather sarcastically, “You have no ideas on anything other than how to steal my ideas and claim them for your own”.

“That’s absolutely so not true”, I have lots of good ideas.

“Give me a for instance”, said Cat.

“I refuse to engage in a pointless debate with a robot designed to serve me”, yelled the Inspector.

“I rest my case,” said Cat just before the Inspector grabbed him by his rubberised tail and explained a new idea he had just had about how long robot cats made of Rubanon could withstand the temperature in the ship’s waste incinerator.

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 4.14

The Sorting Master

At that truly unique offer of help  I returned, as did the Mudlizard, to a predatory circling, crouching type motion as Cat exclaimed loudly,

“The pair of you are as bad as each other, what in the universe are you both doing?”

Before I could engineer a suitably cutting reply, a fourth somewhat machine synthetic voice cut in saying,

“Welcome beings. Please do not panic. I am the Sorting Master at this Quark Station and I am here to help you get sorted out.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” I said staring intently at Cat, “something that wants to help.”

Cat grunted at that before replying to the disembodied voice of the Sorting Master, saying,

“It’s very good of you Sorting Master to communicate in a language that this idiot can understand.”

“You are most welcome Mr. Cat,” said the disembodied voice.

“Why is it that everyone and everything in this universe is so polite to you ‘Mr. Cat’ whist I get treated like a piece of sub-atomic flotsam,” I enquired of no one in particular.

“Probably because you’re a moron you moron,” responded Cat.

As I was just about to consider forming a pact with the Mudlizard, the Sorting Master spoke again,

“Please everyone just remain calm and I’ll have this all sorted out quite quickly. Now if I could just take down some particulars for our records.”

“I am perfectly calm,” said Cat.

“Yes, yes I know you are calm Mr. Cat. I was referring to the two exchangents,” said the Sorting Master’s voice.

To be continued………

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 4.13

Here we go with the dismembering again…..

Forgetting for a moment that I was on this beast’s dismembering schedule I responded quite gleefully with,

“Now that’s not a bad idea you know. Tell me do you have any dismembering tips you could share with me? It’s not something I do on a routine basis you understand.”

“Of course Inspector,” answered the Mudlizard, “my pleasure. My best tip is to take your time. Enjoy the moment. Let your victim have time to think about what’s going to happen. Then continue with that principle and make sure you remove bits slowly. Start with small appendages and then work your way, slowly of course, up to larger organs.”

“Well, he’s obviously a Mudlizard who works to plan,” interjected Cat.

“Eh, what are you on about?” I enquired.

“He’s already effectively removed your so called willy hasn’t he? Surely you can’t get much smaller than that,” guffawed Cat.

I threw an icy glare at Cat as the Mudlizard continued,

 “And of course Inspector, for enhanced educational purposes, I will of course gladly provide you with a detailed commentary as I slowly dismember you.”

To be continued……….

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 4.12

Terribly Sorry Old Chap

I looked back at the Mudlizard and instinctively threw out an apology.

“Yes of course, terribly sorry old chap. I was actually trying to pay attention to your menace you know. This blasted AI of mine has distracted me somewhat.”

“We tend not to have have such things,” said the Mudlizard, “where we have slaves they are wholly biological and do menial tasks only?”

“Really,” I responded, “I can completely understand that. Makes total sense. I expect you know where you are much better than I do. I rarely know what’s going on from one minute to the next you know. I mean, the authorities say that AIs are effectively our slaves but, I can tell you, my experience is quite different. Most of the time ‘it’ never tells me what’s going on. I have no idea what to expect next and if anyone is calling the ‘shots’ it’s ‘it’ and not me.”

The Mudlizard looked at me with what I imagined was the Mudlizard equivalent of an aghast expression as it replied,

“That’s just just ridiculous. The Mudlizard leadership would not tolerate such behaviour from a slave. Have you considered dismembering it?”

To be continued……..

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 4.11

Well I’m not Backing Down

The tail-less Mudlizard crouched a little in front of me, looking quite menacing and for all the world as though it was going to attack. I knew what Mudlizard’s could do with their tongues. I’d watched the aircast of the murder of Captain McBeckham and his crew on the Mudlizard’s homes planet, Plasmolidium. His advance patrol had stood absolutely no chance with tongues that could literally extend over 100 meters and garrot a human neck in seconds.

I waved my tail about, flinging it left then right around the front of my body, doing my own strutting predatory pacing. Cat said,

“What  on Jalakax are you doing you twerp. This isn’t a dance you know. You won’t stand a chance if it decides to ‘tongue’ you so stop prancing around like a cross between the sugar plum fairy and CosmosMan.”

“I am not prancing. I am intimidating, which is a lot more than the nothing you’re doing,” I responded testily.

“I am thinking,” said Cat in his most superior of tones, “something that I realise is as alien to you as the tail currently stuck on your brain. Sorry I mean your rump.”

Positively now bristling with indignation I started to search for some new abuses to send in Cat’s direction whereupon the Mudlizard cut in again with,

“Excuse me but could you two stop with the irritating ping pong of deadly insults and, just for a moment, focus on the fact that you are being menaced by an acknowledged alien beast?”

To be continued……….

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 4.10

Spoiling for a Fight

“Now look,” I replied, “this is a pretty serious situation for me. It’s hardly surprising that I might get a little confused is it? And anyway how stupid was it for head office to call you ‘Cat’ and your Dad ‘Cat’ too. I mean at least they could have given you numbers for goodness sake”

At that point the Mudlizard, who I’d completely forgotten about, piped up with,

“Can you two stop this please. I have some dismembering to plan.”

“Oh great,” I said, “a Mudlizard with a sense of humour. Well listen to me you member of the clan from mega-monsterland, you come anywhere too close to me and I’ll beat your brains out with your own tail.”

At that I swished the tail attached to my rear end back and forth, impressing myself with the ease with which I was now able to control it. Cat squirmed free of my hands and hovered in the air beside me, though a safe distance away. He was clearly keen to avoid being ‘batted’ around again by my Mudlizard appendage.

To be continued…….

The Sequestran Dilemma – Chapter 4.9

Well, I call it Farting

I stared at the monster, leaning my upper body as far back from it as my, I mean its, tail would permit me. My eyes darted over the front of the Mudlizard’s body. Where was my willy I wondered? There was nothing obvious externally, though Mudlizards tended to have quite a lot of folds of flesh where their bellies were, so it could be hiding under one of them I thought. I mean mine did the same, especially if the weather was on the cool side and, when of course, it was actually attached to my body.

In a show of bravado I grabbed Cat, who had been hovering around the side of my head, and held him out in front of me. I then said to the Mudlizard,

“I warn you this Cat is armed and dangerous.”

I turned Cat around in my hands and pointed his rear end at the Mudlizard. After lifting his tail I said, “Ok Cat, fire on my command.”

“Ummmm…, Look boss I think the part transformation of your body is making you even more confused that usual. My Father, Cat, used to gaseously expel, and Mudlizards were indeed at one point very susceptible to the hydrogen sulphide in his expellations. However I am a new generation of artificial intelligences. I vent, I do not need to gaseously expel. And anyway, Mudlizards have gotten wise to that particular ‘weapon’ and now routinely take an antidote to protect themselves against hydrogen sulphide, wherever it comes from.”

“You mean fart,” I responded.

“I beg your pardon,” replied Cat in a somewhat offended tone.

“Fart,”  I repeated, “your Father Cat used to fart continuously. It was probably the most useful thing he ever did generally, and certainly when we first encountered the Mudlizards.”

“Excuse me,” said Cat rather haughtily, still with his tail up and bottom pointed directly at the Mudlizard,

“my Father, Cat, did not fart. He was quite categorically clear about that. And anyway whether he did or didn’t doesn’t matter. As I just told you hydrogen sulphide has no impact on Mudlizards anymore. It’s useless as a weapon. So going on about it to cover up the fact that your lonely brain cell cannot work out the difference between me, Cat, and my Father, Cat, is a bit pointless. Why not just say ‘I’m really compromised brain neuron-wise and can’t process the fact that there have been two Cat’s in my life, neither of which ever actually farted!!” ended Cat rather too triumphantly for my liking.

To be continued…….