Category: Food

The Inspector’s Faxon Banquet Fiasco

The Inspector leaned back in his chair, a glint of mischief in his eyes, as Cat curled up beside him, already anticipating a story that would no doubt be at the expense of someone else’s dignity. “Cat, have I ever told you about the time the Earth Ambassador got arrested at a Faxon banquet for making an involuntary pass at one of the Princesses of Faxon?”

Cat perked up, his interest piqued. “No, but this sounds like a story I must hear. Do go on.”

“It was during the early days of Earth’s diplomatic missions on Zizzdum,” the Inspector began, trying to keep a straight face. “The Faxons, as you know, communicate not just through words but through their com-gland odors. Well, nobody thought to brief the Earth Ambassador on this peculiar little fact.”

Cat’s eyes widened in amusement. “Oh, this is going to be good, isn’t it?”

“Indeed,” the Inspector continued. “The Ambassador was a jovial fellow, fond of Faxon cuisine, despite its notorious effects on the human digestive system. During the banquet, he found himself seated next to Princess Fara, a notable Faxon beauty, and decided to engage in what he thought was harmless small talk.”

Cat chuckled. “Let me guess, the cuisine started to ‘speak’ for him?”

“Exactly!” the Inspector exclaimed. “Just as he was complimenting the Princess on her radiant scales, his digestive system decided to contribute to the conversation. A series of unfortunate gaseous emissions ensued, each perfectly mimicking the Faxon pheromones for ‘amorous intentions.'”

Cat was now laughing uncontrollably. “So, he essentially asked the Princess out without uttering a single word?”

“Right on the mark,” the Inspector said, shaking his head. “The Princess, mortified, signaled for the guards. The poor Ambassador, bewildered, found himself being escorted away for making an unsolicited pass at Faxon royalty, all the while protesting his innocence and blaming the bean casserole.”

“How did they resolve the misunderstanding?” Cat asked, still chuckling.

“Well, after a lengthy explanation and a crash course in Faxon pheromonal language for the Ambassador, they released him with a stern warning to avoid bean casseroles at state functions,” the Inspector said. “The incident became a crucial lesson for all Earth diplomats on Zizzdum: Always mind your manners, and more importantly, your gases.”

Cat, now lying on his back with paws in the air, just managed to say between fits of laughter, “I suppose that was one small step for man, one giant leap for diplomatic protocols.”

The Inspector nodded, a smile playing on his lips. “Indeed, Cat. Indeed. From that day on, Earth’s representatives on Zizzdum made sure to carry anti-flatulence pills to all official engagements. The Faxons, in turn, learned to appreciate the… complexity of human communication.”

As they both settled down from the laughter, the story of the Earth Ambassador’s unintended faux pas served as a reminder that, in the universe’s grand tapestry of cultures, a little understanding (and perhaps a digestive aid or two) goes a long way.

Baffleberry Juice

Baffleberries were first discovered on Siluria, a small planet in the XXi Regus 7 star system. They were quickly determined by the early explorers to be essentially delicious and then by the inevitable scientists, to yield a juice with remarkable antioxidant properties. The juice, not surprisingly, rapidly became popular on Earth as a natural way to address the aging process and have a yummy drink for breakfast.

Baffleberries got their name (and the derived juice) for a number of reasons. First, it was never easy to work out when the bright green triangular shaped berries were ripe, so farming them effectively became something of an art. Not only that but from the consumer side, their flavour could vary enormously from sweet raspberry, banana-like, to something like raw onion. Consumers never really knew whether the Baffleberry juice they bought at the cloud market was going to bring a smile or a grimace to their face. However, committed Baffleberriers (members of the very popular Baffleberry club which made someone very rich) didn’t care – wrinkles were kept at bay and that was the most important thing. Silurians, in contrast, didn’t really care because they were wrinkly by nature, so Baffleberry juice was exported to Earth quite cheaply.

And finally, as if that were not enough to baffle, the juice, when refrigerated for longer than an hour, became totally invisible. This meant that you never quite knew how much you had left or worse, if you were in a rush in the morning, how much you had actually poured out into your glass!!

Molten Lava Beans

These are Cat’s favourite snack. And my goodness did they compound his wind issue, or gaseous expellation as he preferred to describe it.

Whatever, although not made of flesh and blood certain of Cat’s internal workings (God knows which) led to a serious accumulation of hydrogen sulphide which he periodically expelled (or ‘let rip’ as he again describes it) through one or other of his myriad ports. Molten lava beans exacerbated the issue and whenever he snacked on them you could guarantee that fairly quickly, especially if in a confined space with him, you would regret it.

I knew full well that Cat controlled his expellations to annoy me and as a ‘weapon’ to guarantee I treated him like the Prince he thought he was.

Where did molten lava beans originate from? They were first noted on the planet Kimcadia by early explorers who had landed there. A staple component of the Kimcadian diet, their constant ingestion by Kimcadian diplomats explained why the seats furthest away from them at official banquets were so sought after (and expensive). The history books tell us there was a similar problem at banquets held for a US President in the early 21st Century, where hot air and possible use of weapons seemed to be as much of a problem as hydrogen sulphide.